Idiot (or don't try this at home)

So, I did a stupid thing and let my Cymbalta run out. I finally got more yesterday after 8 days of going without. I thought I'd end up in a depressed ball on the bed and that I would have rebound pain as Cymbalta treats nerve pain. No real depression except I perseverate about stupid shit like what someone said at a meeting. However, the pain rebounded back big time last night. One minute I can feel the pain coming on and took a Lortab & Phenergan; before the drugs had a chance to take effect, I was dry heaving into the toilet. Dry heaves because after the Nissen I cannot physically throw up. I found a Phenergan suppository which should take effect faster than pills, then went back to bed and hoped it would work really fast. I think I was hyperventilating, I know I was begging it to stop. Poor Mike, he felt so helpless. Then the poor man has to go to the bathroom, with his book and glasses if you know what I mean. He's sitting in there when the nausea slams me on my ass again and I'm dry heaving into the bathroom sink. The rest of the night was OK and I slept about 12 hours.

It happened again this morning except I didn't dry heave. I felt it coming, took some drugs and rode through the waves of pain and nausea. I have been out of bed for a few hours now and while I am hurting worse than usual, I can stay upright without feeling nauseated. Boy, I will never let my Cymbalta run out again. And I am supposed to be this smart nurse who should know better.

Pink Eye

I don't remember if I've ever had pink eye but I can unequivocably state that I don't like it. I did not know that all the tissues surrounding the eye become tender as if bruised. The constant watering and feeling like I've got a dog hair in my eye is just an added bonus. Speaking of hair, I got a wild hair up my, well figure it out, to take a picture of my night of the living dead red-eye look with the webcam. I do not take pictures of myself, therefore couldn't remember how to work the damn thing. I only have it because it came with the laptop. After hours of intense searching and wondering why my eye looks so much better in the picture than in life, here it is. By the way, I forgot that when staring into a camera, everything is opposite so I kept looking for my left eye to look bad when on camera it is my right.

My personal barometer

Here is my theory about my chronic pain issues. I believe I have so much scar tissue from multiple surgeries and sinus infections that it hurts like a (cover your ears Ma) mother-fucker when a big storm is coming. Yesterday, I was actually blazing along writing my paper that was due last night when all of the sudden, the chronic tolerable pain turned into panic-stricken-should-I-just-throw-up-now pain. I was taking Lortab and phenergan, holding an ice bag to my pounding skull and face; then taking a nap with a warm spice bag across my face. Needless to say, I did not get my paper finished. The chronic fevers usually don't bother me as much as the pain but I have been febrile for at least a week and it wears me out. Hot cold, hot, cold, chills, sweats; pick a temperature and just go with it....

Naughty Dreams

On the off chance that you are reading this blog (Mom or Dad), turn back now. I mean it. Don't go any further.

This morning, I woke up feverish which is not unusual for me (see any posts related to my health). But, it explains why I have felt like I've been hit with a sleepy stick the last two days. I made it an entire hour before I needed any pain pills so I took a Lortab without my usual morning Phenergan chaser (nausea with pain, oh joy). I could not understand why taking less drugs than usual and I was feeling drugged and sleepy. Then around noon, the pain hit me with full nauseating-just-kill-me-now force. So, I took a quarter of Phenergan and went to bed with an ice bag on my face. I slept for three hours; Mike would say that means I needed it. I would say that means I will not get anything done today on my first vacation day. I don't like sleeping on drugs because it makes my dreams busy. Many times, I am being chased in my dreams but on special days I am doing the chasing. I was chasing the big O. Obviously I am in need of a good orgasm. I was dreaming about erect phalluses of all shapes and sizes both human and electronic. I chased and sometimes was able to enjoy penises for three hours. Apparently, I need to get laid. Lucky Mike!

Ever played the piano under the influence?

I've done something to that little muscle under my left shoulder blade. The damn thing has been hurting for almost two weeks. It does feel better for about the first four hours after I take mega-dose ibuprofen but at this dosage, I can only take it every eight hours. I happened to go to the doctor for my quarterly your too fat, your cholesterol is too high check up and told my doctor about the shoulder thing. She gave me low dose flexeril. Thank God it is low dose because that stuff knocks me on my ass. I was trying to play the piano for the first time in months when I discovered that I lose my place in the music and can't see quite as well after taking flexeril; curious, might have to experiment with this phenomena. There will be a later post about housework wherein I point out that the piano is so dusty that I don't like to play it but heaven forbid I dust or vacuum. Anyway, I'm not sure if the flexeril is really working but it sure makes me cross-eyed.

In sickness and in unhealth

I couldn't think of anything to write about so I decided this is the post where I get to whine......a lot. In addition to being fat which is mostly my fault, I have a variety of pain in the ass chronic illnesses. I say being fat is mostly my fault because I have Polycystic Ovaries (PCOS) which is associated with obesity because the testosterone to estrogen ratio is out of whack (obscure medical term). However, I'm pretty sure the Ding Dongs I used to eat in the closet had a lot to do with the size of my ass. PCOS also causes infertility but I was lucky enough to have two boys through the wonders of modern medicine. Can I just say that having sex when your ovaries have been forced by medication to spit out an egg is not the first thing on my list? Anyway, I also have a mild form of Common Variable Immune Deficiency (CVID). I say mild because when I researched CVID, I discovered my IgG levels nor my infections were not nearly as bad as the people on the internet. Besides, as my doctors will tell you, I like to minimize my illnesses so I don't spend my entire life in bed feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for yourself is non-productive and brings in almost no income; not to mention people start to avoid you like the plague if you start telling people your temperature every day. I have had three sinus surgeries and two PICC (long-term IV catheters) for antibiotics. I also received infusions of immune globulin (IViG) one winter until the insurance company agreed with my diagnosis of she's-not-sick-enough-for-this-expensive-shit and refused to pay for any more. Long story short, I have chronic daily fevers and sinus pain that varies from background noise to just fucking shoot me now.

Fast forward to this week. The fevers have been higher than normal which means I probably have something acute as opposed to my usual chronic fevers. Usually I can tasted (yuk) when my sinuses are infected but not this time so I don't know what the hell is wrong. The pain has been no worse than usual except I'm pretty sure I had an ovarian cyst this morning that made me wonder if I was going to be able to get out of the shower (thankfully, that pain only lasted about an hour). It was all I could do to stay upright at work today but I made it. If I can just make it through two more days, I get six off to rest.

Mammogram

Several weeks ago I had dream in which I had a breast biopsy on one breast and a mastectomy on the other. It was an incredibly realistic dream. I should tell you that I have had dreams that have come true before. I dreamed I was married to my first husband when I barely knew him. If I remember correctly, my exact thought upon waking was "why would I marry him; he's an asshole". Anyway, I was a bit disturbed by the dream but was scheduled for my mammogram and didn't worry too much any more. About a week after the mammogram, I got a call that they needed to ultrasound and abnormality in my left breast. Well now I'm scared but trying not to be scared. I went back for the ultrasound today. You know that fad about "The Secret"? Well, I kind of believe in part of it; the part about positive energy bringing positive things. But I believe you have to work for it, that you can't just wish to be rich and healthy. Anyway, I was trying to think positive while she had that wand on my breast and told me that last year I had one cyst but now there is a second possible cyst but we can't be sure without ultrasound. Part of me was mentally chanting the positivity mantra while another more negative voice just knew my veins weren't good enough for chemo. Thank God the positive side won and it was just another cyst.